Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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