I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
