Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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