I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I can't put those talents on a resume
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
