thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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