rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
