the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
