I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
