She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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