I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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