my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
