Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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