I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Randomize
