I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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