i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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