just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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