Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
