OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
