My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
time to smoke my breakfast
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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