were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
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