This is not my ceiling
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
