woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Randomize
