I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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