just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
