I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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