So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
