3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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