so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
