dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize
