Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
