Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
