You smell like a Billy Joel song
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
