Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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