One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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