This is not my ceiling
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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