come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
nutella sex= disaster
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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