He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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