i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
