This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
