Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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