You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives�
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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