So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
