hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
