Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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