If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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