does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
