My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Couch. On fire.
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