Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
