why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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