fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
accomplished twins. life is a go
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
